Adrenaline

The excitement of playing in a football match, at any level, is one defined by the immense will to win, the frayed nerves (and tempers) and the exhilaration of competition. Accompanying this excitement is the blood rush, or 'high', or whatever you call it, that the scientists call adrenaline. Yesterday I realised how powerful this adrenaline can really be. Or perhaps, I should say, this morning. Waking up I felt the stiffness of my entire body that had resulted from the 4 hours of ceaseless football and had augmented over the night's sleep. More important, however, was that the painful extent of pulling my calf muscles and spraining my ankle (in the same incident) was made evident to me. I recalled how I managed to play on for another good 2 hours after that incident with minimal discomfort. Indeed I think my best spell in the games came during the last 15 minutes of play. The point is this: I was indebted to the adrenaline to carry me through. It was energiser and painkiller in one.

As I would tell anyone, however, all good things come to an end. Or, if I may, let me quote from I Know Him So Well, the theme song of the movie Chess: "Nothing is so good it lasts eternally". Adrenaline is but a temporary relief. Realities ultimately prevail. Pain eventually returns. Obviously, too, I have not brought you through all this for no reason. Sometimes on impulse, or what some may call the spirit of the moment, we do or say things, whose effects we fail to fully consider or realise, that really hurt or anger others. Let me not use the inclusive 'we', for this is really my problem. I am possibly the biggest culprit of all when it comes to this. It is often only when the emotions die down and the spirit of the moment wears of that I realise the severity of what happened. The air of energetic invincibility both adrenaline and the spirit of the moment bring will inevitably subside. In a similar fashion it is when I wake up the next morning that painfully I realise and regret the consequences of the previous day's misdemeanours.

Apologies do not always suffice. I am not writing this to give one to anybody. I have been giving this issue a lot of thought and I've realised that there are deeper underlying reasons for why I tend to incessantly insult and hurt certain people. By this I mean making fun of and demeaning ad infinitum particular flaws or characteristics of the persons concerned. The reason is this, and it is simple. I do not respect you enough. Winning my respect is difficult. You need to impress me with sheer competence in an area I deem to be of importance. This is not necessarily academic as some people tend to think. It suffices to be a good listener, et cetera, and I think you guys know who you are. Without this respect or admiration it is difficult for me to even regard you as someone equal to myself. I will tend to see you as what you lack, and treat you the way imperial China treated the West before she was humiliated in the 19th Century. Anything I do for you would be a favour, and I do not expect anything of worth in reciprocity. Pardon me for such arrogance but surely it is only fair that someone who sets so high expectations for himself should be allowed to demand equally high standards from his peers.

Apologies do not always suffice and my purpose here is not to give one to anybody. More importantly I need to clarify something. People only see my callous side when I insult or hurt them, but the mentality and mindset that often underlies such attacks from me is still and always present even if I am not saying anything. This attitude of mine makes a travesty of the word "friendship". If all I cause you is grief, hurt and suffering I will say I am sorry, but more importantly I think we need to call it quits. If I cannot bring myself to respect you for who you are then these acts which hurt you will still be perpetuated. Each of you has someone you cannot respect or like enough to get along with. I am the same, just that I have more such people. Because my standards are high, for you and for myself. This process will be painful for me as it is for you. Terminating a relationship is never a happy exercise. I also realise that by my new definitions I am slicing my friends list in half. More stark will be the fact that the class I have spent my last 2 years with will have for me but 3 or 4 "friends". If I turn cold towards you or speak of no more than matters of a business or professional nature please understand that I am doing this because I do not want to be close enough to you that I end up hurting you. That is no good for me and no good for you. Why be an awful friend and cause naught but grief? Seems pointless. Let's give us leave to ponder on things that'd hurt us less (sorry I cannot resist playing with a Lear quote). I hope that in severing ties with people who mean nothing more to me than outlets to criticise and let rip I will somehow curb this excess. This way there is no chance of me going on to hurt the people I truly appreciate and dearly value. All this, I hope, is for the better.